I know conceptually that dots will connect and only with time can I look back and see how they connect and got me to where I am. But it’s so hard in the day to day to know if I’m actually making progress. I know life doesn’t give you overt signals like in a video game that I’m on the right path or the path I’m walking is leading me to where I’m going.
I struggle cause I want to know I’m on the right path. That what I’m doing matters and working towards my goals. Even though I know there’s no “right path”, I can’t totally ignore that voice. I know there’s some wrong paths, but realistically there are many ways to get to where I want to go.
Where is that?! No freaking clue!
Plus the other battle in my head is the Taoist approach of action without action or wu wei on one hand and the idea of taking the initiative and making choices to move forward. Both approaches can work and I’ve adopted both at times. Cause what it all distills down to for me is fear. Fear that I’m standing still. Fear that I’m not moving forward. Fear that I’m not growing or evolving. Fear that I’m stagnant.
So fear is behind these questions and back and forths in my brain. Knowing that doesn’t make the decisions or lack of decisions easier. It’s like I know it conceptually, but I still feel like I’m standing at the start of a bridge and wondering if I should cross it or not.
The truth is I’ll never know. None of us do. And I guess we can all turn around down the trail if this one isn’t working out and I do know enough that even if I walk back on the same path, I won’t be the same and that path won’t look the same either. I’m changed by the actions and steps I take. Even if down the trail I decide “this isn’t for me”, that is knowledge and experience gained which in turn will always stay with me. It’s not like I give that knowledge and experience back if I turn around.
So what does that all mean? It means that there is no right path and as long as I’m making the best decision in the moment with the information I have…that’s all I can ask for. That my decision aligns with what I feel in my heart and soul, then that’s the way to go. Cross the bridge or not. And who knows maybe if I don’t walk across that bridge, it will show up again later. None of us know the way so attempts to lasso it to the ground are wasted energy.
I’ll try to remember this when faced with this back and forth. I’ll forget. I’ll remember. This is the path. I’ll try to embrace it.